Well, with those tremendously useful Congressional Hearing into Roger Clemens, er, I mean steroids, done, perhaps it is time to compare and contrast our most interesting sagas — Roger Clemens v Britney Spears. But one other point — don’t think of the recent hearing as Congress wasting our time and taxpayer money. Think of it this way, at least they weren’t f-ing up something else, which is what they normally do, with far more detrimental effects and a far bigger price tag. Now on to the main event:
Category 1: Plausibility (i.e. which story would have been bought by Hollywood)
Clemens – let’s see, aging talented pitcher decides to take Performance Enhancing Drugs to maintain/regain his edge. Hardly a preposterous plot with millions on the table and a guy who is well known for wanting the spotlight. Hollywood would need some angle to make it interesting — and Debby Clemens doing HGH for an SI photo shoot just might have been it. (Editorial question — she did it just once and that is supposed to have some effect on her physique? The stuff is that potent? I obviously need a medical correspondent — perhaps Sanjay Gupta)
Spears – No talent pop star who has made far too much money prostituting herself (ironically as a virgin) at the behest of her parents decides to go crazy, marry a guy whose girlfriend is currently 6 months pregnant with his SECOND child (in a side plot, said girlfriend already has two other kids from another dad, giving her 4 kids by 2 fathers by the age of 30 — nice work!), has two kids in two years of marriage, gets divorced, goes even crazier and loses custody. Personally, even for Hollywood, this would have sounded too Hollywood. Ironically it came true and then some, but figure your average studio would have passed on it.
EDGE – Clemens
Category 2: Special Guest Appearance
Clemens – Could be any of the other major leaguers, but who would remember Chuck Knoblauch. With the exception of Pettitte, the others were all famous in their own right, Canseco, or remain unknown, Jay Gibbons. Congressional blowhards like Dan Burton were the true Guest Stars, but they were of the D List variety.
Spears – Easy — Dr. Phil. I would guess that in approximately 420 of 435 congressional districts, and the District of Columbia, more voters could name Dr. Phil than their own representative.
EDGE – Spears
Category 3: Extended Family
Clemens – OK, we know his mom recommended B12 back in 1988, his wife has rock hard abs that no 40 year old mother of 4 should have without HGH, and that all his kids’ names start with ‘K’ for strikout. Pretty weak.
Spears – Mom and dad pimp her out a la Joe Simpson of Jessica and Ashley fame. Little Sis Jamie-Lynn gets pregnant at 16, and Mommy of the Year – Lynn’s — book on child stars gets cancelled. Oh wait, what a virtuous publishing house. The aformentioned Spears’ saga above was not enough to cancel the book, but a pregnant 16 year old is the proverbial straw that broke– you get it. But wait, it gets better. Mommy Spears supposedly did not tell Britney about the pregnant sister for fear she would go public with it, jeopardizing Mom’s deal with OK Magazine to get paid $1M for allowing them to ‘break’ the story.
EDGE — Is there any question? Spears. That kind of saga galactically outweighs having kids named Kacy, Koby, Kory and Kornhole
Category 4: Racial Impact
Clemens – OK, I never gave this much thought but lots of people of both colors thing Roger has gotten a free pass while the wolves have been out for Bonds. I don’t know. I long ago passed the “Doug Williams is a black quarterback” stage of examining sports heroes. Nevertheless, if the DOJ does not go after Clemens, it may look bad.
Spears – She gets treated worse than most stars, although she is mostly deserving. So it is really more of a white trash thing with her, meaning that she goes into the pantheon against people like Tonya Harding. There is unlikely to be a comparison with Brandy, no one mentions anything about her rival for K-Fed’s affection — Char Jackson, and she is not going to do a Reality TV driving test with Halle Berry, so no real impact here.
EDGE – Clemens
Tied 2-2 going into our last category
Category 5: Schadenfreude
Clemens – has made an absolute ton of money, is reknowned as a jerk, and put us all through his annual retirement saga so he could pocket and additional $15-20M. Also, jumped on the Yankee bandwagon to win his rings, and while his regular season stats are more impressive than anyone else over the last, at least, 25 years, he comes up small in the post season. Seriously, someone has to pitch with your life on the line: I take Dave Stewart (who owned Clemens), Jack Morris, Pedro, Shilling, Pettitte and even Randy Johnson before the Rocket. I cannot remember a single impressive clutch post season start. I am sure he has one, but the fact that everyone remembers Morris, or Pedro v Cleveland, Shilling’s (fake) bloody sock, well, that proves my point.
Spears – this was my favorite story for so long because as I wrote above, the script was so preposterous that I would not have optioned it, yet then the reality turns out even more preposterous and unbelievable. However, there is a point at which even rubbernecking becomes unpleasant, and now that I am afraid that the next Britney update is in the obituaries, it has ceased to be fun.
EDGE and VICTORY to Clemens 3-2.
Let’s watch from afar as he tries to salvage is rep — I just wish he would take the tact that he no habla ingles.
